my last update. i mentioned an old flame was going to come to visit me since i hadn't seen her in 6 years.
i spent all day friday wrecking my nerves. cleaning the floor. going to the grocery store, washing laundry. trying to ignore the advances of my xbox. i'd been up since around 7 oclock and i know she's on the way. the anticipation lingered around me. wavering in my space. she lets me know that she's gonna be a little late. i don't mind. as long as you're here.
she tells me she's in traffic. i don't mind. as long as you're here.
she passed st. louis and is on the way into il. it was later than expected but. i don't mind. as long as you're here.
then all communication ceased after around 6 pm. i'm supposed to be meeting up with my friends that night around 8 or so. i wanted her to be with me so she can meet them. i was just telling tim about how nervous i was. anxious. stuck in moments i couldn't define.
friends are calling me. "eric, we're waiting on you." "i'm waiting on jeri, she's sure to be here soon"
yet i didn't get a phone call or a text message. i'm beginning to get a little upset. more worried than anything. because if she was going to be this late, i'd expect a call right?
so i head out, and keep my phone in my hand in case she calls, because i was worried that something terrible happened. i'm calling back to back, hoping that she'd pick up. no answer. no answer. no answer. no answer. no answer. voice mail full. voice mail full. voice mail full. text text text text. send send send.
i get to the bar and i'm talking and yucking it up with my friends. drinking. a good time was had. at this point, i felt like i couldn't shake how worried i was while i didn't know what happened to jeri. so after my third beer, i turned to will and said "iight man, jeri just called me so i'ma bounce so i can meet her at my crib"
i say my byes and head home. still worried. call text call text.
i'm getting sadder with each train stop i pass. something happened. i know it did.
i finally get home and i'm trying to find a way to see if she's safe. i'm checking her myspace page. i'm checking my email. i log into aim and i see she's been online. and i'm like. "how come she didn't call me?"
come to find out the next day. she wasn't coming and to her, me knowing didn't matter too much to her.
yeah i may have said something stupid. and i regret it. but you know what? i'd love for someone to just come to me and speak to me before the fact rather than send me long drawn out text messages about how i said something stupid and it bothered you.
but you didn't have the decency to let me know how you felt? am i that unapproachable? when have i been? especially when this past week, i've been the happiest in awhile because i was finally going to see someone i hadn't seen in a long time and i had another chance at something. my co-workers had to constantly ask me "why are you dancing?".
but hey. i got no call. she took it upon herself to spend the night somewhere else and not bother to call until the next morning, my eyes are red because i barely slept that night, thinking she was going to make it early into the morning. i'm at work, stressed out because she doesn't see her error. yet i'm supposed to feel bad about something i said (that i apologized for, btw).
i get no apology. no explanation. no reasoning behind her not calling me and just saying either "we need to talk about something you said yesterday" or "i'm not coming because...".
i was afraid that after 6 years of seeing her, i'd noticed that she changed so much that i wouldn't recognize her. but after being on the phone with her. it's like nothing changed.
ironically, i've changed a lot. i'm less inclined to put up with people who don't have the decency to pick up a phone to let someone know that is expecting you (and planned a lot around you coming to visit) that you aren't coming because they felt apprehensive about coming.
all i ask from my friends is just that. be a friend. no more. no less.
i have an ex-something that coulda been coming to town. i haven't seen her in like 6 years i think.
both us been through a lot. not bad stuff. just been away.
even though. i only got to see her like 5-6 times throughout my life. mainly because in the 10 years i've known her. we could never stay in the same state at the same time. i'm in va. she in ny. she in ny. i'm in chicago. she in missouri. i'm in va. she in missouri. i'm in chicago. and so on.
so finally i get to spend some time with her.
nevermind she was married, joined the air force had a child and divorced since the last time i saw her. i just wanna see her.
so if you don't see me online this weekend, fam. you'll know why.
and god forbid anything gets deeper than it is now. it's gonna get awkward and messy. i'm not pessimistic because it's in my nature. because it's not. i just don't want to expect too much.
in other news. i miss sonya. can't wait to see her either.
(sorry. i'd say more but i'm at work and i have veeery little time)
or something to that degree. ive been floating on cloud 8. not neccessarily nine. since i got back from richmond.
i miss seeing my family and friends. thomas is expecting a kid next month. keith already has two kids and is damn near married. lance married with kids. it's amazing. all of us. well. all of them are on the way to having families.
to see my family. some people i hadn't seen in 2 or more years. it was really good to see them. especially my niece and nephew. alex is so grown now and she's a delight to be around. we spent a lotta time together. then when she got back we spent the day out. i took her to dave and busters. took her on the train and the bus. she loves it. we caught the airshow. her holding my hand the whole way. aside from her asking annoying 9 year old questions, it was great to be around her. she's a really good kid.
donnie is grown also. he's gotta lil mustache growing. i can't even beat up on him anymore because he's gonna remember it and have me put in a old folks home when i'm old and grey. he's even gotta myspace page. and i'm soo afraid to try to find it. i'm not even kidding. i hope he doesn't find me.
my beautiful mother is happy and lively. she's developed into one of the backbones of the family. she helped organize our family reunion. it wasn't even primarily a family reunion. it was just a family get together that turned into a family reunion. she put a lot of heart into it. bob is keeping her happy. he works. comes home. laughs with her. puts up with her. and she's happy. and i'm glad she is.
my sister and brother in law. i'm so happy for them. beautiful house. beautiful family. donald has not so beautiful taste in football teams. but hey. you don't win em all. (and the redskins may not win them all either. but i can't front. the cowboys are looking subpar too. AND the bears. lol)
but as the title of today's entry says. i was gonna talk about coming back from richmond. then i was gonna follow up with "because i got really bad news".
see this girl?
her name is tishana chipp. i met her at this party back in 2002. me and her met on the boards way back and she used to joke and play around with me. she was gonna "get" me if i was ever single. well by the time i got here and i was single, here's a picture of her "getting" me.
she was one of the first ones in chicago to make me feel at home. she was this huge ass geek. she had this lil ass apartment in hyde park and we'd order chinese food or make our own shit. then we'd play video games and watch adult swim and anime all night. she was intelligent, talented (and i don't even like poetry but some of her stuff really hit me), funny and a beautiful person.
i got home from work on my birthday (yes i work on my bday. it's not a thing to me) around 10:30 or so. preparing to go out when i check the boards and i see an anchored post. "RIP 3rd i". (nikki...her nickname is nikki...3rd i was her handle)
"oh no." i said. i didn't even want to click the link. i just kinda let the cursor hover. waiting. it didn't hit me. i didn't want it to hit me. i didn't want it to be true. then i noticed who posted it, a mutual friend. i'm sitting here going "it must be true but i don't want to believe it, still"
i click the link and i find out she took her own life. nikki harbored a couple of demons in her that i thought she could hold down and repress. i thought they were gone. when she moved outta chicago to atlanta, she posted less often than she used to. but her posts were still positive. i'd say hi to her every now and then.
then i lost touch. i saw her online. joking with her because i had her devil may cry. and i never gave it back to her. weird because i forgot who let me borrow it and i had it so long i almost sold it. but music recyclery doesn't take games without manuals. thank god for that.
she was going to be married soon. she had a good job. i thought she was happy and in good spirits. a few of my friends are taking it how i am. step by step. to lose a friend to a car accident, or shooting. anything like that. you can get over it. but with suicide is a whole different door opened. mainly because of the guilt, fear and uncertainty tied to it.
"i could have done this..." "if i would have called her..." "i shoulda stayed on IM longer with her..." "maybe she needed someone to talk to..."
that's what i'm going through. i'm self medicating with alcohol and alone time, video games and my roommate. he doesn't know about what's going on. he doesn't know about me mourning right now. i really don't wanna tell many people. but i don't tell him because he cracks me the fuck up and i don't need to tell him that so he could have sympathy sadness. lol.
but i've gone from anger, to fear, to guilt back to anger. all full circle. now i'm on this tangent of peace. i'm at the stage where i'm celebrating her life rather than mourning her death. it's not going to be easy to do. and it's going to be really hard to get over something you could have changed.
but i'll be iight. she'll be iight. her family'll be iight. her friends'll be iight.
- i waited 25 minutes for my luggage. - my mom did some good shit for some people she didn't even know. details on that later. - me and my nigga tj hung out at wawa for like almost an hour. - me and my homie shadi. she rode me around town. went to chesterfield...more on that later. saaaaad. went to short pump mall...more on the mall culture here too. - i got to make out with someone for the first time in like 2 months yo. good stuff.
fuck dude. i'm about to eat some cold pizza or some shit. i'm on the phone with my ex girlfriend. listening to her bitch about her job. and i'm gonna see her this weekend because her "friend" is in vegas.
he came to drop off the air conditioner. did he have to let the whole neighborhood know tho?
he liked the place. robbie was with him. i told him he can come through sometimes as long as he doesn't wear out his welcome.
so this weekend i learned a few things:
- i'm a bit TOO patient sometimes. - i'm best at feigning certain emotions. ion't know whether to be impressed with myself or disgusted. - seattle girls have this weird naive westcoast accent. it's confusing. - i'll never let a dude dance with a girl that i'm with unless he clears it with me. it's not a possessive thing. but more of a machismo ego thing. even if she ain't my girl. that dude don't know that. like...nigga tried to son me. - my temper flares to the point i don't even like myself. - the logan square blue line stop is an approx. 25 minute walk away. - "that girl" by pharrell is the best song on the album. not saying much tho. most of it is ass. - speaking of music: PLEASE listen to them amazing band. saw em last night at summerfest last night. i wanted to catch up with the coup but i had to settle for running into boots riley on north ave and welcoming him to chicago and asking when his performance was gonna be on. that's the homie right there. man he makes me feel tall. lol
so i have honey bbq wings in the oven. and a videogame that needs conquering. i MIGHT go to the buddha. but i won't stay long. long enough to say bye to my seattlite visitors.
and i wanted to see mari and rachel today but ion't know if that'll go as planned. i'd have to split time and shit.
sex would be perfect today. it's a great day and we have AC now. but i'll just stick with the wings for right now.
since i've moved to the new spot. pic above. i've allowed an hour or so to my day to cooking a lot more often. i usually go for more elaborate fare. alice chicken. brown rice. corn on the cob. etc.
but for days i don't want to cook for an hour. or i don't have anybody over for dinner (because i'm always having someone over for dinner. lemme know if you want something. i'll whip it up.), i say "wtf" and just fix something quick and filling. really. i have a couple of nice places around here to order take out. but it's so much cheaper and more fulfilling and rewarding to eat your own meal that you made.
so here's to quick and easy meals, holla. less than 30 minutes to make.
- nachos. man. all you really need.
tortilla chips (real ones. not that frito lay shit. hit up your international aisle.) beef, chihuahua cheese (CHIHUAHUA CHEESE. PLEASE. none of that swiss bullcrap. cheddar and chihuahua taste great together btw.) olives maybe some taco seasoning too. throw em all on a baking pan and broil it for a minute or so, serve wit beans and sour cream on the side and you good, yo.
- foreman grill burgers. before i got the proper cookware for the crib. me and my roommate would hover around the foreman grill and throw some burgers (frozen) on that joint and get to crackin. fry some bacon and slice some tomatoes. throw some swiss on there and you got yourself a hardees swiss bacon joint without the racist hillbilly behind the counter.
- sloppy joes. beef. sloppy joe mix. for an extra punch. chop up your own red/green peppers, onions and while you're mixing it, sprinkle some shredded cheese on it and mix it in. it keeps the beef together and doesn't get THAT sloppy. plus it tastes great. for the best thing since potted meat, serve with diffrerent types of buns. i find torta buns are the best. you'll probably find them in your local bakery if a mexican dude runs it.
- canned stew. your soup aisle. a buck or so. throw it in your favorite pot. stir occaisionally. get some biscuits, bake them joints. eat heartily.
- rice with kielbasa, squash and croissants. my exgirlfriend put me onto this. it's quick and cheap to make. and filling. throw it all in a bowl and mix it up. eat with a spoon while watching sportscenter in your underwear after you get home from the club.
- for you morning people. corned beef hash and fried eggs is the best thing in the world. toast a couple of english muffins and you can make corned beef hash sandwiches. if you slice them out of the can instead of spooning them, you can make corned beef hash patties. throw some peppers in there and you got corned beef hash spicy style. it's versatile. and it's gooooood.
- grits and eggs. for people who don't eat meat. well they already know. grits and eggs is a vegetarian staple. lol.
- deviled eggs and bacon. seriously. people forget that deviled eggs are essentially eggs. i tried this out one time and it was fantastic. a surprising treat.
anyway. this is my first update in the longest time. enjoy eatin, niggas. i'll try to update more often from now on. i promise i'll TRY.